One year

Writing this blog was tough. Not because I don’t have much to say, but I have so much to say.

Some of our single friends have asked us, “what is something you can teach us about marriage?” Ryan and I look at each other with this puzzled look on our faces. We’ve only been married for a little over a year, and we feel we haven’t even scratched the surface of physical, emotional, intellectual and most important, spiritual intimacy.

I think it’s safe to say that the closer two people become, intimacy (in general) becomes more complex. You find more skeletons in each other’s closets, more sad corners in the dark places of our hearts, and more empty spaces we each lack where we are crying out for healing and comfort. True intimacy becomes beautifully messy.

Our first year was very hard and tearfully emotional for both of us. We had to deal with some unique painful things that were done to us individually. It was hard to put God first. If I am completely honest, I was very angry with God personally. My faith was more challenged in marriage than it has ever been in the last 8 years of being a believer in the gospel and the cross of Jesus. I can’t say too much of what happened to protect the privacy of others (unless I get permission to share in the future), but it really was tough.

Our first 4 months was our opposite shifts, I was working mostly 8-12 hour night shifts at the hospital, and Ryan had his full time day job. Our shifts were so opposite that one time I was getting off a morning bus at 7:45 after my night shift – the same bus Ryan was catching, quickly gave him a kiss, and sent him off for his day job. It was rough.

Then, I had the opportunity to work in a school with regular full-time hours, working one on one with an incredible boy. To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect. But looking back now, I see God’s remarkable hand on this job. It is so evident. This job changed my life. It made an extraordinary difference in my faith.

I remember one time, I was feeling very emotionally weak. This was in the middle of the hardship Ryan and I were enduring and experiencing, back in October. At school, I was briefly talking to the boy (I work with) about the ordinary school day, and then he said to me randomly, “Bonnie, I’ve been learning to boast in my weaknesses, because when I am weak, then Jesus makes me strong”. My jaw dropped, remembering a similar verse in the bible, which says:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

After that day, my prayers changed. My heart changed.

I started crying out to God in a more desperate tone. I started praying desperate prayers, in my weakness, “I’m weak and I can’t go on like this, Lord. Please be my strength! I want your healing power in my life. I was your power to rest upon me!”

You know what happened? God started healing my broken heart. God started giving Ryan and I more healing. God gave us people to talk to, and resources to go marital counselling together. Jesus started to work on my bitter heart towards friends who didn’t understand. I started forgiving them. But admittedly, it was hard.

Fast forward to now, Ryan and I are only in our first year of marriage, but after a very hard year, God showed us that He was for us, and He was always protecting our marriage. He protected our marriage from enemies of all kinds. He became our strength in our young marriage.

God used so many people. From the old, to the young, the newly weds to the 30+ years married, our families, and to everyone else in between. We needed all kinds of people to help, speak into, and love us deeply.

I boast in my weakness of the hurt, and anger, not to gloat and mope… but bring glory to Jesus because He has faithfully  walked with me and continually gives me supernatural strength to overcome, forgive and to grow as a Christian, trusting in God’s plan for my life – no matter the hardships.

To Ryan,
I will always love you forever. Through the tears, the arguments, the miscommunications, and the times where we struggle to communicate, and the times where we cry out to God to help us… I’ll always love you. Marriage is forever, and you are my forever husband, and friend. I thank God for keeping us, protecting us, and helping us, not only in our marriage, but in our dating and engaged relationship.
I’m sorry for my mistakes and my screw-ups. I know I’m not always led by the Holy Spirit. I thank God He is always intervening for us, and convicting me when I’m being lousy.

I’ll always love you. I’m so thankful for all our car rides, beat-boxing duets, pizza and movies nights, trips together, ice-cream dates, morning trips driving me to work, adventures and laughter together.

I’m yours forever.

Thank you for loving me in my weakness, like how Christ loves the church when she is weak. For through it all, it has made me a stronger, braver and wiser woman clinging to Jesus like never before.

All Glory to God.

Happy one year anniversary babe!

 

 

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Picking up the pen again

So, I’m picking up my virtual pen again (…or typing the keys – for you literal weirdos hahaha – because technically I am typing this from my trusted MacBook).

Some people may remember my blogging years. Blogs weren’t super popular back when I started writing in December 2013. Then, I closed down my blog in later 2015. I just needed a break from writing. The season was ending, and a new season was coming. So I let go of writing for a while.

Two and a half years later, I’m back here. I am refreshed and I’m ready to share what’s been on my heart, and what I’ve learned throughout the last while.

An update on my life. 

I am a Personal Support Worker. I have worked in a nursing homes and a hospital. I have worked many 12 hour night shifts and cared for those in need. My heart changed three years ago, and I wanted to be a person that loved, supported and cared for people who needed the compassion, support and physical care. I have loved every moment of it all. Now, I am a PSW in a job that I love so much. It’s the best job I’ve ever had, and I’m so thankful for a job that I love to go to. I love God’s beautiful plans for my life so far.

I am married to a man named Ryan and I am so lucky to be married to him. How do I explain him? How do I express how much I appreciate him? If you’ve met him, you know he’s quite a genuine person. He’s a little quiet at first, but he can jump into a situation and love others. I love him so much because he easily expresses his shortcomings. He can say “I’m a mess. I’m not perfect. I desperately need Christ”, and that’s the kind of realness I have always admired in him. The one (of many) great things about him is that he’s extremely loving and passionate about Christ. He struggles but I love that he can say “I struggle and yet I’ll never let go of Jesus”. I love you Ryan.

Lastly, God has been blowing my mind. I have been wrestling with the Lord. I have been angry with God. I have been in a season where I have wrestled and wrestled with Him and yet I just can’t let go of His love. I don’t even know how to write it out, but walking with Jesus is not always easy. I feel like some people make it look so easy, but for the first time I questioned everything. My faith in Christ was being challenged, rocked, rattled, whatever word that you could describe being “shaken”- that was me. But I have been challenged that a relationship with Jesus is messy, and we should be asking God the hard questions. The amazing thing is that He still loves me, and He still died for me. He’s still God, and He’s still good, even when a lot of things in life are downright sick and evil.

He has taught me forgiveness in the deepest places of my heart. He has taught me that following Jesus is not in just talk but it’s in walk… and a lot of times I’m not great at the walk. But I’m thankful that Jesus walks with me in my weird mess. He has been teaching me that beauty isn’t in my pant size, or my acne prone skin. Beauty is Christ, and how beautiful He is. Oh, how I yearn to shine like Christ, even in my mess. I’m not close, but I look forward to Christ convicting me and changing me to be more like Him.
…… Because let’s be honest…. I’m still a selfish human, and I’m not always walking in the Spirit, however I’m thankful that because of Jesus and conviction through the Holy Spirit living inside of me, He changes me so I can be more like him. Not for “self-help” purposes but to show people that His love changes lives.

His love has been changing my life.

I can’t wait to share my thoughts and my heart, again.

Glad to be back.

With joy,
Bons